[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
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One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks