*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
You Might Also Like
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.