*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
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Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Traveler’s camo
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar