[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
When your best mate counts as a desk too
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.