Saw your ex at the shops
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Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.