I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
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If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
The prophecy is fulfilled
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Still laughing at this stupid meme
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”