DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
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When I said I liked it rough.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house