[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
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it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die