boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
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Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Lmao
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Battery falling down a hole
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.