tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
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My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.