y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
You Might Also Like
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”