[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
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“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
That 👊
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Every time.
My current situation
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.