I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
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My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”