Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
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Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?