Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw