Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
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Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
asking santa clause for nudes
I love wikipedia
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Never be a pizza!
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
The pointless tidy up before a play date.