Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
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This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?