6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
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I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!