“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
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*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
he’s doing your taxes
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”