*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
You Might Also Like
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Its true…
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen