Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
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Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek