[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
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No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
When I laugh on my period
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.