Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
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Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.