All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
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boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Me too door. Me too.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
(more comics:
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.