Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
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[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants