Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
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ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
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Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!