Phonetics
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Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Something Saturday.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.