Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
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I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁