Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
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ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.