Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
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4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
CUTE CAT‼︎
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u