*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
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[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.