Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
You Might Also Like
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks