It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
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If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
B
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.