They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
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The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.