I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
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I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”