ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
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if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I love art.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.