You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
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Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …