If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
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Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
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