If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
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The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”