Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
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Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
A fake ID that makes you younger
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk