I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
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Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out