“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
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Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.