VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
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I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
kitchen magnet
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
ok like just. call me at this point
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time