Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
😏😏😏
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?