At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
You Might Also Like
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Schrödinger’s cookie
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth