JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
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what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden