I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
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Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.