sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
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me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Pickled cat.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying