I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
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Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.