Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
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coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
😅😅😅
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Life is a suicide mission.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.